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tullipsink
tullipsink

I don’t know what we are. We’re not friends and we’re not lovers but when you’re looking at me like that and your hands are in my hair, I think maybe, maybe, this is something more. I don’t know what we are. I never knew how to tell the difference between you and you’re and how to tie my shoe laces until I was 13. Maybe that’s why I ended up with bloody knees a lot when I was a kid. But I’m not a kid anymore and my knees are still bloody and my mouth is still slipping out “sorry’s” like water every time my mom catches me stumbling through the door at 2 in the morning drunk and vodka pouring out of my pores like perfume. We aren’t friends and we aren’t lovers but when you’re holding me and my face is in your chest, I swear I feel the world. You’re everywhere. In my chest, in my lungs, in my veins, in the way I drink my morning coffee, every fucking where. So maybe we aren’t lovers, but we’re something and that has to count for something even if you never call me back.

I really have to stop wishing for you to call back

tullipsink
tullipsink

And it’s always an “I’ll call you later,” and a “I’m sorry, I been busy all day.” It’s days without talking and short one minute phone calls where sometimes they don’t always say I love you back. So you tell yourself it’ll get better. You love them. They love you. But it doesn’t get better and soon “I’ll always be there.” turns into “I think we should take a break.” and you’re crying again, crying, crying, and always crying.

You should have known from the Beginning it was never going to Last

tullipsink
tullipsink

it’s Sunday morning and my heart is on the floor. it’s Sunday morning and you’re nowhere to be found. it’s Sunday morning and my mouth hasn’t shut up about you since. it’s Sunday morning and my sweater still smells like you. it’s Sunday morning and my bed is too empty without you here. it’s Sunday morning and I don’t know how to stop my hands from shaking. it’s Sunday morning and I still love you.

tullipsink
tullipsink

“im sorry,” i mumbled out. you must think it’s the only word i know how to say. i’m probably making a fool out of myself.

“im sorry,” i say again, louder this time in hopes for you to hear. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t know why i keep repeating myself.

“im sorry,” my hands are trembling. you’re looking at me now. you’re looking at me in the way my mom looks at me when she knows something is wrong but can’t quite figure it out.

“im sorry,” my cheeks are wet. i can’t stop crying. why am i crying? why am i always fucking crying?

“it’s okay,” you say. your walking towards me now. you ignore the scattered glass on the floor and you make your way towards me. it feels like forever before your arms are finally wrapped around me.

“im sorry,” im choking out the words now. my shoulders are shaking and i cant stop myself from falling apart in your embrace.

i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself.

“im sorry,” i’m gasping now. “im sorry, im sorry, im sorry,” i can feel your hands in my hair. i can feel my face pressed against your chest. i can hear the sound of my heart thumping in my ears. i hate it. i hate it all.

minutes passed and im calming down. your hands are still in my hair. my heart is still on the floor.

“im sorry,” i say one last time. i flinch in disgust. i hate myself. you’re looking at me again. i hate myself. you’re running your thumb across my cheek. i still hate myself. you’re kissing my forehead and whispering words like “it’s okay” over and over again.

the words are still in the back of my throat. i hold my breath. count to ten. my hands are trembling. my chest hurts. i cant breathe. here it goes.

“im sorry,” they slip out of my mouth before i even have the chance to shove it back into my throat. i wish i knew how to say something else other than those words.

tullipsink
tullipsink

i would have loved you, you know? i would have loved all of you. i would have loved the drool on your cheek and bad morning breath you. i would have loved the “just one more minute” you even though we both knew you actually meant five. i would have loved the snow in your hair and rosy cheeks you. i would have loved the messy hair and tired eyes you when you’ve been up all night again. i would have loved the sad “i don’t want to be here anymore” you. i would have loved the random dance with me in the kitchen you and i would have loved the energetic let’s go for a hike at 3 in the morning you. i would have loved it all. i would have loved the insecurities and the doubts and the fears. i would have loved all of you.

tullipsink

I wanted to say I loved you. And that I loved you I loved you I loved you. That there was no one else for me but you.

I wanted to have one more moment to remind you of the way I was always there to make you laugh when you needed it most. I wanted to remind you that you once loved me. That our late night conversations with whispered i love you’s wasn’t just a fraction of my imagination.

Why did it change? Why did you stop loving me?

I wanted to see if you still remembered. That some part of you still remembered the time we went to go get ice cream and you brushed your hand against my cheek. It was late and I was cold and you were looking at me like you wanted to kiss me. I loved you then. I think you knew.

But that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? I can’t change your mind and you can’t make yourself stay.

I wanted to cry into your chest. To push you. To scream at you. For loving me. For not loving me anymore. For leaving, and leaving and always leaving.

I wanted to do so many things to remind you of the way we used to be before things fell apart. But I didn’t and you still left.

A.M// prompt for anon, I WAS NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE YOU STAY (via tullipsink)
tullipsink

I want laughter at 4am

and sloppy kisses between dinner dates

and hands fumbling underneath the blanket because god knows there is never a minute i can go without touching you

and i want silly jokes and awkward handshakes and quiet “i love you’s” over the phone

and dancing

a lot of dancing

i want to dance with you in an aisle at the supermarket as we both try to come up with which taco shells are better

and i want to dance with you on the night we both say i do

and i want to hold your hand in front of my friends

and kiss your cheek when my mother asks me why i am so god damn happy all the time

and i want you

now,

and for as long as forever with you can take me.

A.M// i want you always, (via tullipsink)
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